Are you going to have more kids?

Are you going to have more kids? This is a question I get a lot. It’s a common question and something I’m sure I’ve asked other mamas too. However, now when I hear this question I just cringe. All of my skin crawls and my answer totally depends on my mood. In the past I always just said, Oh no we have our hands full or we are complete yada yada ya. Now, It’s different because instead of making up some BS answer I like to simply tell people,  “yeah I want more kids but I’m not able to have any…” then they just look at me with a blank stare & I swear you CAN hear the crickets! then the conversation usually ends there. Something similar happened today. We were hanging out with a bunch of moms and the question came, “are you going to have more kids?” this question came from a complete stranger that I had only met. hmmm… my brain thought & inside I said to myself, “yeah AM I going to have MORE kids!?. good question.” but my answer was different, this question came followed by, “maybe you’ll have twins like your sister, you think?” ha, yeah if she only knew what my history was. Then she proceeded to say, “your sister has like super hero powers or something considering she’s expecting her second set of TWINS!” again, I Just cringe at those choice words I heard. its not that I can’t be happy for someone else or for my sister, or that I can’t handle someone openly talking about whats RIGHT in FRONT of my FACE but I just strongly dislike having to explain myself. SO I didn’t. THIS pain is SO real. It never fades or forgets me. I didn’t just move on from loosing my babies. I think about them and how old they would be had they been born full term. I’m reminded everyday, that they aren’t here. We have an empty nursery, with an empty crib collecting dust. Sometimes I walk by the nursery and shut the door. Other days I’m hopeful & I walk by the nursery and I sit in the rocker. We just don’t always know the Lords plan for us. back to my story…. Now, let me be clear here… this woman I had only just met she has NO IDEA who I am or what I’ve been through. She meant no harm and nor did I take offense. I have to be strong for times like today. Words can do so much harm, but I’m not harboring those choice words. I’m just pondering what was said and wondering myself, yeah when are you going to have a baby? Truthfully, I don’t know that It will ever happen for us again but what I do know is that my journey In motherhood isn’t over. ON a lighter note, we finally turned in our foster care application. YAY!! yeah It took forever & it was a year in march since we started the foster care program. We need all the prayers possible, that we will find our baby out there. Praying for a miracle!

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billingsclanblog

Wife Mama to Layla & Hunter 9 Angel Babies in Heaven Foster mama Photographer Dream Writer

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