SO… we meet again!

Today is Wednesday and normally its just a regular ol’ hump day of the week except… today was different. Today we met with our Fertility Doctor again. Gosh, this time I was so nervous. I just kept thinking today is the day we get REAL CONCRETE answers. I had kind of gone into my appoitment already upset about a complete separate thing, but none the less it didn’t help calm my nerves ANY. Today, we would get all of our test results. That means my HSG procedure I had done several weeks ago, both J & I’s full work up of blood tests, urine and everything! Right off the bat Dr. B lays it all out. I love that about him.He just got right to the point and gave us all of our answers. My HSG report came back normal (that was the procedure they did where put dye near my fallopian tubes, to see if I had any issues when inflammation or ruptured tubes.), Both of our Chromosomes came back completely normal, My thyroid normal too. However, I did not get off that easy. There was one big setback. Gosh, I don’t even know if I’m ready to say it.  BUT, I will because I now believe in documenting it ALL. the good, the bad. I just hope this helps someone else out there, who has struggled like us. Okay, so my AMH (Anti-Mullerian Hormone) came back less then average, meaning, I have practically NO eggs! Its called low ovarian reserve. For my age (29) I should still be at the top of the chart (see below) in GREEN. Except that I’m not, I’m in the red region. Dr. B said my egg count was that of a 42 year old woman 😦 ah, stabs to my heart. My marker came out to a 0.2! Did you catch that!? It started with ZERO! IT should be at 90.0 at least! More stabs. My Dr. also said that when looking at my ovaries, they prove to look better then my marker of 0.2.

Upon discovering my low ovarian reserve, my Dr. told me that it would most likely cause an early menoupause when I am about 42. Stab, stab, stab! He said not to worry of course since its nearly a decade away HOWEVER… I am devastated to say the least! Devastated to hear my lack of producing eggs & to know that my body will age quicker then normal. The low egg count was something he did mention at my last appointment, but it was officially confirmed by blood test results today. Let me tell you, it hit me hard. No eggs= no babies. At least not the ol’ fashion way. He mentions, having a low egg count is “not genetically normal“. When you have a low egg count your body is more likely to produce “bad eggs” he called them since you have so few. That’s when you have babies with developmental problems. Our bodies naturally recognize “the bad eggs” and will most likely miscarry. He believes all 7 of my miscarriages were “bad eggs”.

SO we were given a list of options to start with. First, when I had the HSG procedure they flushed out my tubes which acts as a restart button. SO we have our fingers & toes crossed that will be in our favor. Doc wants me to take some natural supplements daily as well. Then, I will be starting some fertility medication. I believe it is called Clomid? Maybe thats the short of it. The way it works is it triggers your mind to ovulate. In a addition to that, I will have to give myself just ONE shot when I begin this treatment. Hearing I just had to take one was a huge relief! I remember being pregnant before I lost our last babe & giving myself a nightly shot. Ouch! I will also start taking the progesterone suppositories again. (you insert them vaginally at bedtime and it thickens your uterine wall to *hopefully* prevent miscarriage.) If all else fails we have the option to begin IVF. Honestly, it sounds daunting. I hope thats not the route we have to go. I know many have been successful and blessed by IVF including some of my own family members though. Just the cost and the road that comes with it scares me.

On another note, I asked Dr. B what the procedure would entail as far as removing the scar tissue we found in my uterus last time. He say he wanted to take a look again, through a vaginal ultrasound and low and behold it was gone! Somehow I was disappointed. Disappointed that it wasn’t going to be this easy fix, where there I was with scar tissue I get it removed and bam I become happily prego! Yeah, no that’s not me. Nothing is easy.

{Our reality being faced with continuous negative tests}

I forget if I mentioned this in my last blog post, but another interesting thing I learned from Dr. B is our situation isn’t actually called a “fertility issue” per say. He refers to it as a recurrent pregnancy loss. That’s filed under a whole other section, which also means insurance helps out a whole lot! AH, thank the heavens. I know God knows we need that!

Towards the end of the appointment Dr. B looked us both in the eyes and said, “You have the perfect life, you really do. and I don’t mean that in an insensitive way or to bypass what you have endured.” I felt stunned at first but I immeditetlay agreed inside my head. We really do have the perfect life. I am married to an amazing man, he has a great career, together we made two beautiful & healthy children & we own our own home living in a beautiful county right next to the beach! It all sounds perfect & everything I ever prayed for & more. Not for one second have I ever forgotten about those blessings. I thank God every day for giving us his children to raise as our own. When I look at them, I see two little miracles. I know God isn’t done with us though, & we are meant for a bigger purpose. I have always known that our family isn’t complete. SO while I do acknowledge our blessings, I also ache for the loss we have experienced and dream about one day having another little Billings in the belly.

When we left that appointment I felt so much sadness. I just sat there on the car ride home. Tears ran down my face slowly. I didn’t want to have early menopause & I surely didn’t want to just try my odds at getting pregnant “when I ovulate” we have already been down that road. Now, I not only can’t get prego but I don’t stay prego either. I am hoping this will all be very different with the new medications set in place. I just can’t help feeling the pain I do inside. I literally held back tears when I was basically told I only have a few eggs. It’s like someone telling you that you aren’t normal. Either way we are in it for the long haul. I can’t go to bed at night knowing that I didn’t fight for this. and sometimes a fight is just to discover that you have lost. If thats the answer, then I am willing to digest it and figure out what our purpose here is. That doesn’t mean I won’t be sad.