Being pregnant is such an amazing feeling! Lately, that feeling has been very distant. Almost like I’m forgetting the feeling. My baby is turning 6 this month! It’s caused me to reflect back a lot. When I found out I was pregnant with him, (my boy Hunter) it was a surprise! I had just had Layla who was only 12 months old! It was a shock and a bit scary since I had a c-section with Layla. I would have two c-sections back to back only 21 months apart. It was intense, my recovery was slower since I also had a toddler to chase around & the days were long with Daddy working late hours. Two babies in diapers, two naps, two mouths to feed and so much more. My pregnancy with Hunter was good, but I was so sick the whole time. In fact, I was still breastfeeding Layla! I made it through my entire first trimester breastfeeding her…. feeling nauseous the whole time. She was about 16 months when we stopped. Looking back on our life then… gosh I am just so dang grateful for what God blessed us with. Knowing what I know now… these two babies, Layla & Hunter are complete miracles! I know theres a lot of women who have yet to experience the gift of a birth, and I know my sadness for not continuing to be blessed with more might sound pitiful. My heart goes out to you. It truly does. I’m grateful for the children I do have. My heart does yearn for those 8 babies lost though. That will never change. For whatever reason this has been the path that I’m supposed to be on. Through the birth of my own children, to the loss of my 8 babies, to the road through foster care & three placements later my heart has literally felt every emotion. But this photo, this person in this photo (me!) I Never want to forget. I was so young, 22 years old, first pregnancy (with Layla) and not a worry in the world. Things seemed to fall right into place. I was happy then & I’m still happy today. Only today, I have a few more grey hairs & a whole lot more life experiences. Which I AM actually grateful for! So here’s to the past me, and the future me… trying to love myself through all these different emotions.
Layla Marie- Maternity photos 2010
One thought on “I can hardly remember the feeling…”
I love all your posts Whit, but each time I literally sob, because I know the pain you’ve endured. I know your longing, understand the grief and feel for every loss your family has been through. You’re likely the strongest woman I know. I’m not a mother and don’t know if I’ll get that chance, but if I do, I hope I’m half the mother you’ve been. Because of your selflessness, you’ve been able to touch the lives of little ones that may have never understood the love of a parent, never seen the normalcy of a real family. That is because you’re family isn’t normal, you’re a rare blessing from God, doing his work here on earth.
I’m so glad to call you my friend.