Today got real.


Today was like straight out of a movie. We did this “thing” where we sat across from a specialized fertility Doctor in his office. Yeah, me the stubborn one. The one who didn’t want to see a fertility Doctor more then a year ago. Well, we did it and it wasn’t so bad. Honestly, I never ever saw this for my future… sitting there across an intelligent Dr. while he spoke in anther language basically. What I did hear was, “I would like to get a third party opinion as this is a special case and I have never dealt with these circumstances with someone at your young age and having that many miscarriages…” Are you lost yet? If you didn’t read our story on our 7 Angel Babieyou might be a little confused. Let me back track a bit… its been 3 years since we started our journey on adding to our family. In those first 2 years, we lost 7 babies back to back. The last one ended in a D&C since then we haven’t been able to become pregnant. The last year & a half we have been committed to becoming foster parents. It’s been a long time goal prior to marriage and we are finally there! Currently waiting on a placement! To say its been a difficult road is a total understatement. It’s been the most vicious cycle of worry, sadness and regaining faith experience I (WE) have ever had. While there is a lot of happiness in our lives there is also a lot of uncertainty. You might be wondering why I am sharing all of these details & I will tell you the honest truth. For so long I kept every tramatic event a complete secret from friends, family members and moms at my kids school. Why? To protect myself. When in reality I only hurt myself more and made my corner very dark and lonely. Suffering in silence is the worst kind of suffering. When I finally decided to share my story with the world, I got an overwhelming amount of love, feedback, and other women who shared their stories in return. SO many women suffer in silence after a miscarriage. A friend of mine mentions that miscarriage is like tabo. No one wants to discuss it and surly not willing to share with the world. WHY? WHY do we do this to ourselves? Best advice I can give to anyone suffering from a miscarriage or any loss for that matter… reach out to the ones who love & support you. Let them in. Allow others to help & serve you. It doesn’t make you weak. It shows that you are STRONG enough to make that call or send that email because YOU MATTER! 

Okay, Back to my story about the Doctors appointment… Okay so here we are (J & I) sitting there wondering what we got ourselves into and I suddenly hear the Doc say, “Whit, I am optimistic that we can fix these problems relatively easy.” (Are you too focused on the fact that he called me Whit!? HA, me too!) Did I just hear him correctly?? Relatively easy?? Wait… I’m not sure about this. Nothing ever comes easy to me. Okay, Maybe I lied about that… Freckles. Freckles come easy to me 🙂 ha ha! Okay but seriously, it’s true. Anyway, I had to have an ultrasound where he discovered a scare tissue pocket with fluid. It’s abnormal and will need to be removed. This could be causing my infertility issue! Also, for my (YOUNG) age as he said I had a low count of eggs… womp womp! Basically, my Ovarian reserve is less then average. My uterine lining was also much thiner then he expected for my age (29). So I had a full work up of blood work (right then and there in the office!). Here we go again, another 18 vials for the books. This time Justin had to do blood work with me. This should be interesting I thought.




So for now the Doctor will be running several different tests to see where the problem may be lying. I had an AMAH Level blood test and Justin had a Chromosome blood test done. I will also be having an HSG test. Heres a description from google that I found:

The HSG (hysterosalpingogram) test is a radiology procedure usually done in the radiology department of a hospital or outpatient radiology facility. 

During the test, a dye (contrast material) is put through a thin tube. That tube is put through the vagina and into the uterus. Because the uterus and the fallopian tubes are hooked together, the dye will flow into the fallopian tubes. Pictures are taken using a steady beam of X-ray (fluoroscopy) as the dye passes through the uterus and fallopian tubes. The pictures can show problems such as an injury or abnormal structure of the uterus or fallopian tubes. They can also show a blockage that would prevent an egg moving through a fallopian tube to the uterus. A blockage also could prevent spermfrom moving into a fallopian tube and joining (fertilizing) an egg. The test also may find problems on the inside of the uterus that prevent a fertilized egg from attaching (implanting) to the uterine wall.

Another problem that could be occurring is my fallopian tube could be blown up causing the infertility. The other issue he thinks I may have is called, “Uterine Synechiae” Here’s what it means:

Synechiae is a term which means “adhesions” or a fibrous scars. Intrauterine adhesions resulting from the uterine trauma, such as curretage, are called Asherman syndrome. They may also result from other uterine interventions such as caesarian section and myomectomy. They rarely result from uterine infections such as chlamydia, tuberculosis, and schistosomiasis and the presence of the foreign body. However, it is not unusual to meet patients with synechiae with lack of any previous relevant history.
This condition usually leads to amenorrhea, hypomenorrhea, habitual abortion and secondary infertility.

Uterine synechiae in pregnancy have also been referred to as “amniotic sheets” or “amniotic folds”. They are most commonly noted as an incidental finding during the ultrasound examination in pregnancy.
In general, synechiae do not interfere with the development or fetal growth, and are rarely associated with any complications.

Anyway, this was way more long winded that I intended BUT this describes OUR journey perfectly. I share this with you not to have my personal medical history blasted over the internet, but rather as an insight for others struggling with similar situations. There is hope for you. For us we TRULY just need closure for all that has occurred. We need to know what the problem is, and if it’s able to be resolved. I can’t leave this earth never knowing WHY my body decided to let go of these precious babies. If all that I get out of this is an answer, then it will have been worth all that & more. Hugs to you if you have felt any of this pain personally of through a family member or friend. This life isn’t easy but there is a greater plan for us.


Dear Baby Billings

September 2, 2016
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Dear Baby Billings,
You should have been here today. I should have been holding you in my arms. Kissing you, loving you. I suppose your cheeks would have been nice & plump and I would be kissing them all over. I was supposed to be breastfeeding you, while I hold you in my arms in unbelief you were finally here. Admiring you. You were our rainbow baby. Our miracle. Your daddy & I were supposed to be staring at you in amazement. Your big sister & brother were supposed to be meeting you today. Holding you for the first time. Giving you kisses. Falling in love with you. We made plans for you. You should have been here today. You were supposed to be laying on your daddy’s chest, asleep and bonding. I was supposed to be tired and up all night getting to know you. I was supposed to be in pain today, recovering from your birth. I carried you for three long months. I felt your tiny baby kicks. Your Daddy & I heard your strong beautiful heart beat. My belly grew. Strangers told me I would have my hands full. You were supposed to be here today. The night I lost you, I lost part of my soul. It left too. But I’m grateful for all those labor pains I felt, the contractions, all the blood that left my body, the pain that didn’t go away because it reminded me that YOU were REAL. This was REAL. I was raw & empty inside when you left. My heart aches for you. Our family aches for you. You should have been here today. Your sister & brother still ask about you. I think a part of their hearts also broke when you left. You were supposed to be baby 3. I know you are ours and we will meet again some day. Families can be together forever. Love you eternally Baby Billings. 💙
Love mama & Dadda


It isn’t as bad as you think…

It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is.
It all works out. Don’t worry. …
The Lord will not forsake us.
He will not forsake us.
If we will put our trust in Him,
if we will pray to Him,
if we will live worthy of His blessings,
He will hear our prayers.

-President Hinkley


I’ve been thinking a lot about this “life” lately. Then I came across this quote by President Gordon B. Hinkley. He IS right, it is not that bad and it WILL all work out. DO you ever feel like the world is against you? Maybe shifting your focus back to the basics is what you need. Hint: I’m secretly giving myself this advice as I type! BUT seriously, HE hears our prayers. Our prayers will be answered BUT they may not always be answered in the way you would like. Lately, I feel myself drawn away from my usual spiritual self. I don’t like it one bit. Maybe it IS because I prayed, and prayed and prayed and the answers didn’t come SO I start to slowly loose my faith. Yeah, it happens. I feel stuck in rut. AND I think my family is stuck in this rut WITH me. Womp, womp! It’s like I’ve been faced with the same heartbreak for such a long period of time, that my heart literally can’t ache anymore. It’s almost been 3 years since we decided to grow our family. Yet, we are still where we were 3 years ago, except we now have 7 angel babies in Heaven. I wouldn’t change any of those experiences I have had, because I truly feel like the person I am has changed into someone who knows your pain. Yeah I’m talking about you. I know the feeling of loss, the lump in your throat the kind where you can’t talk and only your eyes speak. When you shut off from the world because it’s too painful to see others happiness. I know all too well ALL of that pain. I may not know the reasons WHY all of this has happened and why it continues on but I know theres a plan for me. I have been told before that when you are drowning in your own sorrows, you should serve the Lord. Any kind of service like taking a family in need dinner, writing an uplifting note to a neighbor, smiling at that mom in the grocery store who might be having a bad day and so on. I have done this and it DOES work. You loose yourself when you think of others. Challenge yourself to do one act of service this week and see how you feel afterwords.




Dear Baby Billings

new-photos-22-of-29Dear Baby Billings,

its been a year since I lost you. Somehow the pain still exist, as if it were yesterday. You would have been six months old. I would have been holding a six month old baby.  Six months! Probably not sleeping much still at this point. Gosh, if I still had you I hope I would just cherish every little moment with you. Kissing your little nose, singing you to sleep & letting your big sis & bro hold you whenever they wanted. I’m sharing this photo again because I only have a few & this one is special. At the time I still worried you would leave me, so I didn’t let myself get too comfortable with the pregnancy. Which meant I didnt take a whole lot of photos either {so unlike me!}. It was a Sunday morning when I took this picture. I was clearly pregnant, but still hadn’t shared the news with most people. I’m so glad I took this photo, even if I was scared of loosing you. Keeping myself from happiness while I carried you, never spared me of any pain when you left.



Are you going to have more kids?

Are you going to have more kids? This is a question I get a lot. It’s a common question and something I’m sure I’ve asked other mamas too. However, now when I hear this question I just cringe. All of my skin crawls and my answer totally depends on my mood. In the past I always just said, Oh no we have our hands full or we are complete yada yada ya. Now, It’s different because instead of making up some BS answer I like to simply tell people,  “yeah I want more kids but I’m not able to have any…” then they just look at me with a blank stare & I swear you CAN hear the crickets! then the conversation usually ends there. Something similar happened today. We were hanging out with a bunch of moms and the question came, “are you going to have more kids?” this question came from a complete stranger that I had only met. hmmm… my brain thought & inside I said to myself, “yeah AM I going to have MORE kids!?. good question.” but my answer was different, this question came followed by, “maybe you’ll have twins like your sister, you think?” ha, yeah if she only knew what my history was. Then she proceeded to say, “your sister has like super hero powers or something considering she’s expecting her second set of TWINS!” again, I Just cringe at those choice words I heard. its not that I can’t be happy for someone else or for my sister, or that I can’t handle someone openly talking about whats RIGHT in FRONT of my FACE but I just strongly dislike having to explain myself. SO I didn’t. THIS pain is SO real. It never fades or forgets me. I didn’t just move on from loosing my babies. I think about them and how old they would be had they been born full term. I’m reminded everyday, that they aren’t here. We have an empty nursery, with an empty crib collecting dust. Sometimes I walk by the nursery and shut the door. Other days I’m hopeful & I walk by the nursery and I sit in the rocker. We just don’t always know the Lords plan for us. back to my story…. Now, let me be clear here… this woman I had only just met she has NO IDEA who I am or what I’ve been through. She meant no harm and nor did I take offense. I have to be strong for times like today. Words can do so much harm, but I’m not harboring those choice words. I’m just pondering what was said and wondering myself, yeah when are you going to have a baby? Truthfully, I don’t know that It will ever happen for us again but what I do know is that my journey In motherhood isn’t over. ON a lighter note, we finally turned in our foster care application. YAY!! yeah It took forever & it was a year in march since we started the foster care program. We need all the prayers possible, that we will find our baby out there. Praying for a miracle!

7 Angel Babies


It was August of 2014 & J and I were celebrating our eight years of marriage together. Cuddling close on the pier out on our romantic date, we decided it was time to expand our little family. We were excited and anxious for this new adventure. We were already so blessed to have two sweet kids 4 & 2 at the time. Everything felt so perfect. Our life seemed so good, we were both in good places & there weren’t many worries ahead. Life just felt happy.

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That very next morning, our world forever changed in a single moment. Our world literally fell apart. Something horrible had happened to our family. So horrible, I can’t mention what exactly. The heartache was the worst I had ever felt. After months of trying to cope and mend our hearts, we decided that we still needed to stick to our plan we made on the pier that night. We knew our family was the most important thing. We knew that God would direct us in the path we needed to be. With much prayer and Hubby + Wife bonding we were ready for the next chapter in life.

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I had this plan for myself that I wanted to be the healthiest and fit, that I could be for this next baby. It wasn’t about size; I just wanted to be healthy. I had two previous caesarians that I never wanted to have & knew that things would be different if I tried. I changed our families’ diet, we started eating more fresh and less processed, I became a runner. Yeah, ME a runner. Who would have thought? Hey, I never said I was fast or anything but I moved. I started off small and eventually could run up to 5 miles without stopping. I signed up for my first 5K too. I was pretty proud of myself for my accomplishments. This was a great outlet for me while coping with our recent family struggle. If I was feeling down or discouraged I would just run. Best part is that I was able to involve my two kids. I pushed them pretty much every time I ran. They started wanting to run like me. I felt like as a mom I was doing something right.


It was late October; I had gone to the Doctor to have my IUD removed. This was really exciting for us! Just a few days later I realized that the bleeding that I was having didn’t seem normal. I had an IUD in the past, so I compared it to that experience. Then a few days later, I was in the bathroom and passed this blood clot that was quite large and different looking. Later discovering that it was not a blood clot in fact, it was a 7-8 week old baby. I held my own baby in my hands with no knowledge that I had ever been pregnant. I felt baffled. Yet, at the same time I didn’t feel sad or the need to grief. I was okay. I told my Doctor about it and he confirmed that it was probably a fetus. Now it was November and I was pregnant again. I was beyond excited for our third babe on the way. I wanted this announcement to be so special for my family. I decided to wait until we got to Disney Land for my Birthday. I pinned a pin to my tummy that said, “First Visit”(with the idea that it was the babies first visit) while I took a photo of my family waiting for their reaction. Mostly Hubby’s reaction. He was pretty surprised and well the kids they didn’t get it. Ha! We started making plans and getting really excited! Layla & Hunter were so excited for the baby on the way. Asking lots of questions and making their own plans. It was December 3rd 2014 when our plans crashed and our hearts broke. I lost that sweet little baby of ours. Seven weeks along and that baby was gone. We were devastated. I had never had a miscarriage before, so this was quite a surprise to us. Going in to see the Dr. wasn’t fun either. There was blood work and, “oh leave your urine sample for us”. It was more like a blood sample, sadly! Saddest part honestly, telling the kids our baby went to Heaven. So we didn’t tell them. We waited six months before saying anything about the baby. We thought that maybe we could get pregnant again, and maybe we wouldn’t have to put them through that pain & loss. It never occurred to me that we should wait to tell them, “just in case”. The day came where we had to tell them. It was a sad day. Sweet Layla cried. It broke our hearts. Christmas was a hard one that year, for so many reasons. I felt empty inside. I remember reaching out to some girlfriends. To my surprise, their reaction wasn’t what I was hoping for. I left feeling more empty & unsupported.


It was March now and a new year. We were ready for a fresh start. We found out we were pregnant again. This time we were excited but nervous. By late March, we lost our sweet baby at five weeks along. We didn’t even get a chance to be excited. I felt defeated, lost & broken. Again… back to the Doctors office, blood work and the urine sample. Somehow my hormone levels always came back at practically ZIP! It was shortly after that when I remember my sister giving me a special little gift. It was a bracelet. Then she told me her exciting news. She was pregnant with her second baby. She too had her own struggles. I was genuinely happy for her. Even though I felt happy for her, my heart still hurt. It was the only natural way to feel. Soon after my sister told me she had more exciting news. She was pregnant with TWINS! I couldn’t believe the news. I was so, so happy for her and her family. Truth be told though, I cried. I cried to Heavenly Father asking why I couldn’t just keep one baby. One baby of my own. Why did my sister get two babies? And I left with miscarriage, after miscarriage? I knew I couldn’t compare my life versus hers but I was suffering. I needed answers.


A sweet and close friend dropped this off at my door for me, after getting the news about our loss. I cried. I cried the whole time reading her card. At the same time I felt so comforted and loved.


We decided we needed to take a break for a bit & get our minds off the situation. Once we were somewhat mended, we got back in the swing of things. Trying all the time, taking my basal body temperature and all that good stuff.  Meanwhile, friends & family of mine got pregnant, some already having their babies, and others making the social media announcement. I longed for all of this. I felt happy for those friends & family, but it was hard to feel happy in my own life. During this time I hosted baby showers for many close friends and my sister expecting her sweet twins. My husband encouraged me not to do it. He told me it would be too hard on me. The natural self in me, was to go out of my way for my friends & family & anyone I was close to and loved. Looking back I wish that I could have let myself grief more, instead of hiding it behind all activities I kept myself busy with. For those that know me, you know me as a gal that loves taking pictures. I am that MOM over posting sweet pics of her kids on social media. What you don’t know is that I’m a pretty private person. Even though I post a lot of pictures, I also don’t share a lot about myself, personal struggles, or anytime I have lost and grieved a baby. I’m more the type to suffer in silence. Somehow it made me feel more normal. Or maybe I was just burying all the pain, hoping it would go away. Did I mention I’m a professional photographer? Yeah, so I do that too. Right about the time I started having my miscarriages… I all of a sudden became a popular Maternity & Newborn photographer. This seemed to be all that I was doing, newborn after newborn. Honestly, it was bitter-sweet for me. I loved the opportunity to hold these sweet, new & fresh smelling babies while I photographed them. However, at the same time I was bottling up the deepest depression inside. Holding it all in just to keep my professional status. I never led on to anything I had experienced. I would lose a baby, and then a week or so later maybe even days later have an appointment with a new baby. Who doesn’t just love the way they smell though? Here’s one of the many sweets I’ve photographed. (With the permission of mama & Daddy of course!)


Six months of trying, made for a difficult time but eventually I got pregnant again. It was September now, I was pregnant again. Finally! I was so, so nervous and scared what might happen. I tried to be so careful, ate really healthy and exercised carefully. Unfortunately, I didn’t matter what I did. I lost that baby too at five weeks along. Again, our hearts sank. I was right back where I left off. Depressed, sad and blaming myself for what had happened. Every time I experienced this, I fell into this deep pit and couldn’t pull myself out. I wouldn’t let others pull me out and when they tried I pushed them away. This was baby number four, I had lost. FOUR! My sweet husband was there for me every-single-time, and what did I do? I pushed him away. I told him to leave me alone. To go away. My heart hurts so much reliving this. I wish I had let him let. Let him cry with me. Instead I took the blame for it all. Therefore I should suffer alone. I remember the night I lost that baby. I began to bleed and I knew right then I had lost another Angel to heaven. Except, this time was different. I was getting ready to go see my sister in the hospital. She was in preterm labor & on bed rest. My mind was somewhere else. I lost that baby, kissed my kids goodnight & jumped in the car to get over to see my sister. I bawled my eyes out the whole way over. Making it hard to see while driving. I was a wreck. A complete wreck and I knew it. Walking up to labor and delivery, I had to walk pass the baby nursery. You know the ones with the great big glass windows, so you can see the sweet new babes? Yeah, those killed me. Killlled me. Seeing those fresh babies and knowing that my body wasn’t working like it should. Longing for another baby, praying I could have another baby. BUT my sister needed me. SO I had to put my feelings aside. I wiped my tears and put on a smile for her. I think she knew something was off with me, but again I hid my pain. Not for myself, but for her. I knew she was in great pain and stressing about her babies coming early. It was that very next evening; my sweet sister was taken back to the operating room to deliver her babies ten weeks early! My mom and I cried together. Our family was experiencing more struggle then we felt built for. It was the moment when they wheeled baby Cali into the NICU and we were standing right there watching it all happen. She was so tiny and fragile looking. Then came baby Kai. He too was tiny and fragile looking. We just cried and prayed & prayed. It was a tender moment. Lots of prayers went out for their sweet little family. I remember standing in those hospital hallways so long, and only moments after my miscarriage while my legs just shook from the shock. From all the bleeding my body had to endure. Again, back to the Doctors to do blood work and a urine sample. All for them to tell me, I am no longer pregnant. Which I of course already knew.


It was exactly one month later now. Hello October! I love October, because well of course there’s Halloween & lots of candy! I became pregnant again! Worried… of course. Through this whole process our insurance was either non-existing or crummy. Hence making it difficult to really get to the bottom of these issues I was having. I would see different Doctor after Doctor. I finally got my insurance worked out and was able to find a really awesome doctor to say the least. He made sure every need of mine was met. Shortly after I found out I was prego again… well I bet you can guess what came next? Yeah, I lost that baby two. That was baby #5. FIVE miscarriages! WHY!? Again, I was five weeks along. It was right before Halloween and it sucked. It made it hard to enjoy the simple pleasures. Back to the Doctors I went. More blood work and a urine sample full of more blood. This was becoming routine for me. It was like a nightmare that never ended. I hit rock bottom. As soon as I started bleeding…I cried. I prayed to God… asking this to stop. To take it all away. I could NOT do this anymore. I remember I started folding laundry on my bed. Then I just blew up. I threw my clothes all over the room while I cried. Then I threw myself into a fetal position and hid in my closet. Hid in my misery. Crying my eyes out. Crying my soul out. Nothing was left for me to do, but cry. That’s when my husband found me. Yeah, his wife was curled up, crying mascara running all over her face. Did he care what I looked like? Not at all… he was so sad for me and for us. Of course I pushed him away again. I wish I didn’t. I just didn’t want to bring him down with me.  I remember this night so vividly. I was in so much pain; I just wanted to be alone to cry. I was so uncomfortable that I slept alone on the couch. The next morning J woke me up. When I got up from the couch I was weak… next thing I know I have blood running down my legs and a puddle of blood on the floor. I cried. This sucked so much. No matter what I did… I had to constantly be reminded. My sweet husband…he was so good to me. He helped me to the bathroom and cleaned up the mess. I really do love him. He’s my greatest supporter in good & bad times. We moved on eventually, but I never forgot what that experience was like. I felt changed.

It was November now. My Birthday month! I had been doing lots of research about pregnancy, staying pregnant and so on. My doctor was completely on board with me. Supporting me every step of the way & encouraging me. I was able to get pregnant again. I thanked God for, because every time felt like a miracle. Generally speaking, I believe any pregnancy is a miracle. Right!? My Doctor prescribed some progesterone suppository for me to take while pregnant. I also took my regular prenatal vitamin (as I had always been doing), and a baby aspirin. The progesterone was to help keep me pregnant. It thickens my uterine wall thus helping to keep the baby in and keep me pregnant. I think I said that right? Apparently, I had not been taking the progesterone long enough. I lost baby number SIX, two days before my Birthday! I was five weeks pregnant. While this may not seem far enough along to be attached… let me tell you the emotional and physical aspect of it all is enough to rock your world. I couldn’t believe this could happen again! There was no explanation of all this madness. I went through the steps of depression once again. I Pushed people away that I love, said no thank you to help and acted like I was “Okay”. We were supposed to be taking our holiday family pictures, the very next day. Being a photographer myself, cancelling this made me so sad. My sweet friend who is also our photographer was so gracious about it and even showed up with dinner & dessert for us! These moments are the moments I am thankful for. We are all going to endure horrible things and have bad experiences… but its people like my friend here who make it a little less painless. So back to my Doctors office, to just get the same heartbreaking news, low hormone levels. Then there was all the usual stuff to be done. Only this time, my Doctor had some new ideas. First of all, he told me that this wasn’t my fault. He said that I was perfectly healthy and fertile. There should be no reason why you can’t have a healthy baby, he said. He was always very compassionate every single time this happened. I appreciated this so much and respected him for his compassionate care. He was the first Doctor to actually try to fix this situation. He then sent me to the lab to have a full blood panel done. He said he would be testing for anything that could be wrong. Worst case scenario, he said I could have lupus. Lupus is an inflammatory disease caused when the immune system attacks its own tissues. This was something really scary to think about. I didn’t feel like I had lupus, but I did feel like something had to be wrong. I mean how could I be completely normal, and have lost six babies in a row!? I went in to do the blood work. As always, I had my little sweet three-year old with me. I didn’t love the idea of him being there every single time I had to do blood work, but we made it work. It was something we did quite often. When I got pregnant I did blood work & when I lost a baby we did more blood work. I had the opportunity to explain to my son how neat it is that Doctors can help you, just by doing a blood test. He always said to me, “Mommy I’ll be brave for you & hold your hand.” And we kept lolly pops on hand…for him of course! So I did the blood work and eighteen vials later…. Ugh & a hefty bill! Blood work came back just fine. Go figure huh? Back to the drawing board I guess. At this point I was willing to try ANYTHING! Although, hubs and I decided… that we needed to give my body & mind a break from all this. I was scheduled to come back to see my Dr. in two weeks.


It was December now. We’ve been at this over a year now. It’s been a long year to say the least. We had lost more than we knew was possible. For some reason people liked to remind us what we already had, when they would find out about us losing a baby. “Oh well you already have a boy & a girl, so you will be ok” These comments were hurtful to us, and so many more comments that were made that aren’t even worth mentioning. Anyway, I was still taking the Progesterone, baby aspirin and another new medicine that I would start should I become prego again. It was my two-week follow-up appointment, from my last miscarriage in November. I had found out by some way of another miracle that I was PREGNANT!! In fact I got three positive home pregnancy tests. Even after all the trauma I was excited. It felt like this amazing miracle God had blessed us with & it was different this time. Although I was still paranoid, I felt hopeful. It was right then in the Doctor’s office, I lay there 7 weeks pregnant with my Husband by my side and we heard it. Thump, thump, thump… it was our baby’s heartbeat. It was really happening! I felt so happy but so afraid. The Doctor came in and said, “We have a healthy baby & strong heartbeat! Aren’t you happy!?” My reply, “I can’t be sure everything will be ok Dr.” Of course, you know what’s next…more blood work! Then, again just a few days later. Just to be on the extra safe side my Doctor prescribed a blood thinner shot, in hopes to work with my body and keep the baby in. I would be injecting this big needle into my tummy daily. My first thought, A SHOT! Eeeeek! My reply, “Dr. I am willing to try anything!” Honestly, it was quite awful and I had anxiety every night before my shot. It made me feel dizzy and strange after PLUS it was painful. However, I wanted to do everything possible for my baby. I did this for about two weeks. Then my crummy insurance once again decided that it wasn’t really pregnancy related and chose not to cover it. I was then faced with a $800 monthly out-of-pocket fee! My Dr. and I chose to discontinue the medicine, as there was no scientific proof this medicine was helping me. Then later on when I got the call from my Doctor regarding my blood test results, I remember sitting at Chick ‘fil’ a with the kiddos playing. It was loud and when I heard the Doctors voice on the other end, my heart swelled up with fear, until he said, “Well your hormone levels tripled in just a few days! You are doing better than you ever have!” I couldn’t believe it! I think that was the moment I really became hopeful, that this was REAL!




I was seen pretty regularly by my Doctor, as a high risk pregnancy.  This time things were so different. My belly started to grow. I slowly started to become attached. I prayed, we prayed, the family prayed that I would be able to keep this baby. I was given a blessing by my sweet Husband that God would allow our family to welcome this baby to earth. I felt so much peace and happiness. Eventually people started to notice my growing belly, including our two children. Being that it was my third baby that belly starts to push out quick! Yet, I didn’t comment when I got the looks or questions. I was too afraid of saying, “Yeah we are having a baby!” I thought I might jinx it… if that was even a real thing! Plus I really didn’t want to have to answer to people if this too was a baby that would leave me. Every day was a blessing with this growing baby in my belly. Eventually, we had to tell the kids as I was nearly three months pregnant and obviously showing. They were so thrilled and that’s all we talked about from then on! It was a really joyous time after all that pain we had felt. I literally prayed to God and thanked him every day, for each day I had with our baby. Things started to move along, we discussed the baby’s nursery and the plans we had, we talked about baby names & I bought some new maternity clothes. I even found the cutest swim suit for the summer approaching. After all I was due September 2nd so I was going to be hot. I didn’t even care. I was so happy. Then the day came when I felt that sweet baby kick inside of my tummy. Oh it was a glorious feeling. SO comforting and I thanked God right then and there.  Time went on, baby was healthy and so was I. I went in for my regular check up with the Doctor, and to get my ultrasound as well. This time for fun I brought along Grandma and my son, Hunter.  I laid there on the table watching in anticipation, to see our little sweet pea. The next words I heard sounded like a nightmare like I was literally in a dream. The ultrasound tech said, “There’s no baby in there. I’m not getting anything and definitely no heartbeat.” I lay there frozen. My body didn’t move and all I heard was my little 3-year-old saying, “Where’s the baby mama?” I didn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe this! All I remember saying is, “no, I felt the baby kick” and she replies with, “no you didn’t that’s impossible. There’s no baby there.” My heart must have left my body because I didn’t have any emotion. I just picked up my stuff and left. Straight walked out. I walked to the car with my family, holding my boys little hand and my body was completely numb.  This couldn’t be true? Could it? I was almost 14 weeks (3 months) along! AND YES I did feel that baby move! Who was she to tell my body what I did or didn’t!? Eventually the nurses came out to get me and I had to see the Doctor. I didn’t see the need to see him. It was all over anyway. I sat there in his office. Not moving and keeping my shit together because if I didn’t I wouldn’t be able to stop. My doctor came in and asked to hug me and apologized. I of course vocally pushed him away & said no. Every part of my being ached and I couldn’t shake what had just happened. He strongly suggested that I go to the hospital to have a D&C. A D&C is a procedure to remove the tissue of a fetus. He said if I didn’t do it, that it would be possible for me to hemorrhage out (bleed out) since I was so far along. I thought to myself, that would never happen to me and I’ll be fine. I was always saying, “I’m fine!” when in actual reality… fine meant I was terrible but it was merely a cover. So I left the office, and cried the whole way home along with my mom next to me. No one said anything, we just cried. It was awful.  When I came home my husband was their home from work. I hadn’t even told him the news yet, but he heard. I was so angry, I felt entitled to share that news with him but I didn’t get to.  I went to my room and curled up on the floor and I held my belly that was still a three-month baby bump. Could this be true? Did this baby really leave me? WHY!? Next thing I know my husband is there with me curled up on the ground crying with me. Then I realized that this pain is just as much real for Him as it is for me.



 We were devastated beyond measure.  I felt my life shatter before me and I crawled into a deep dark hole, where no good thought became. I went to sleep and slept and slept while family & friends stepped in and helped us. I turned my phone off and slept through lunch, dinner and continued to sleep. The next morning I slept through breakfast, lunch and dinner. I couldn’t eat. I was sick to my stomach by this loss. This is the time I began to write my story. Even if no one read it, I think I just needed to get it out. That first night we decided to tell the kids, as we didn’t want to drag it on. The pain we felt by telling them the news was almost worse than the physical pain I felt. They were sad and then angry. Why did God take our baby? We tried explaining that God loves us and would never hurt us. They were crying and sad. My heart sank. I felt responsible for their pain. The next few days are a blur and quite scary to think about. If you can imagine this, things only got worse from here. The next night, I was lying on the couch at home and when I went to stand up blood instantly rushed out of my body and filled a puddle on the ground. It wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t move and my legs began to shake. Justin was right there with me the whole time. Why I didn’t go to the hospital? Beats me! Anyway, the bleeding slowed down a bit and I seemed to be doing ok. I began getting really busy and trying to find ways to fill our time. Prior to this we had been looking at homes, so we decided to keep that process going. Also, something we had always wanted to do is become foster parents. We prayed long and hard about this and decided to start the process now. On this particular day, we found our home to be and placed an offer that night we also attended our first foster parent class. It had only been days since we lost the baby. I know this all sounds crazy, but this is what kept me from crawling back into that dark hole all alone. I needed to be busy and productive. We had always wanted to be foster parents, but our time just came sooner than we had planned for. That night our world came down hard on us again! Here’s the truth though, God was holding us up. He was there for us when we fell.  It was after our foster class. We were home visiting with my parents, who had so sweetly watched our kids for us. As we sat there I started to feel my body have contractions and dilate. It began to get stronger and stronger. I stood up to shift the pain and that’s when the blood came rushing down. Again! It was happening again… only this time it was worse! My husband helped me to the bathroom and I couldn’t stop the bleeding. Oh my gosh, it was happening! Exactly what my doctor had said would happen. I was hemorrhaging! My body went into shock and my legs started to shake again. I wasn’t just loosing blood, I was hemorrhaging out. There were HUGE blood clots that were the size of my entire hand!! I bled so bad that I couldn’t stop it enough to even get out of the bathroom. Finally my sweet husband helped me to the shower where I continued to bleed and bleed. I stood there in the shower losing my baby. The baby that was supposed to be my rainbow baby! The bleeding didn’t slow down in fact I became so weak in the shower that I began to feel my self-passing out. That’s right when my mom and Husband stepped in & helped me out. My husband called my Doctor & because I have an amazing Doctor we actually got to talk to him even though it was around 12:00 A.M. at this point. He told us to go to the hospital as soon as possible & to tell the hospital to call him right away once we got there. We rushed over to the ER. By now, I was having severe contractions, only a couple of minutes apart. Every time I had a contraction, a huge blood clot would come out.  I could hardly stand the drive over. My body was so weak, and by now I was shaking all over teeth chattering and all. When we got to the hospital I was too weak to walk, so Justin ran inside to get me a wheelchair. I remember when he left, I had another contraction and to ease the pain I tried to get out of the car. Only to realize that I had zero strength and instead I sat stuck on the foot step of our car. This is where things get worse again. We checked in to the ER and told them to please call my Dr. Except they didn’t. ER was packed. GO figure on a Tuesday night. There was no room in the waiting room for us, so we parked in the hallway of the ER entrance. This officially SUCKED! We waited and waited and WAITED! I was in horrendous pain. Every two minutes I had to squeeze onto Justin’s hand to make it through my contractions, while I let out cries. After a while of waiting, the bleeding began to get worse. By now, I had bled through a huge jumbo pad, my underwear & pants. I sat there in my wheelchair in a puddle of blood while it dripped down to the floor. Think they let me in at this point? Think wrong. At some point an ultrasound tec took me back for an ultrasound. Get this; she actually tried to do a VAGINAL ultrasound! I told her there is no way in Hell she is sticking something inside of me while I’m bleeding out! So instead we did a regular ultrasound on my tummy. I tried to tell her that if I got up there would be blood everywhere. I guess she didn’t really believe me, because when I got up sure enough blood all over. She looked a little surprised.  Now for the ultrasound, she pushed on me with her machine all through my contractions and actually saw the blood clots coming out. It was misery. Think we got a room at this point? Think again. Back to the ER waiting room! We sat there and things just kept getting worse. Another person that was in the ER said to Justin, “Did she have a miscarriage? They should be taking her back already! She looks like she’s in a lot of pain!” Then at that moment the admitting nurse yelled and Justin & I, “We are doing the best that we can do! You just need to be patient!” Mind you this is after waiting TWO HOURS in the waiting room while bleeding! I was in too much pain to talk or say anything for that matter. My only response was to flip her off. Yeah, I know real mature. Finally, after waiting some more we got a room in the ER. The nurses began prepping me for surgery and get this they actually tried to put a catheter in me while I had all feeling! You can imagine my response at this point. Then my Doctor arrived. Oh yes! He was here! I finally felt at ease and just felt peace.  I was so ready for this horror story to be over. That’s about when I had to say goodbye to y hubby, so they could take me back to the OR. I wasn’t even scared. I just felt sad for my baby. I had heard this was a quick and easy procedure, so I knew it would all be ok. I don’t remember much else, just my doctor waking me up telling me it went really well. Then I remember saying, where is my baby? I want to see my baby. It was like I was expecting to see this full term healthy baby.  A baby that grew in my belly for 9-months, and I just delivered. Maybe it was the drugs I was coming off of from the surgery talking but either way I felt empty inside. Later on my Doctor told me that I was in full active labor, completely dilated to a 10 & my uterus was contracting pretty strongly during surgery. He turned it into a positive thing, because he’s just that way. He said that it was amazing to see my body in labor. A little back history, I never went into labor with my last two children that I had. My body just didn’t do it naturally.



It was time to go home now. I think I cried silently the whole way home, with tears rolling down my face. I had to go home and figure out life after all this. I had to figure out how to be mommy again. I had to find courage to get up every morning to get my little girl to Kindergarten. I had to find the energy to chase around my active 3-year old boy. Then somehow I had to remember how to be happy again. To be a good wife and hold down the fort. Let me tell you this, NONE of this is easy. None of it! I felt hopeless. We had a lot of friends & family step in to help. Without asking of course, because I could never bring myself to ask for help.  Looking back I REALLY wish I had the courage to do so. I wish I could have been more open & let people in. I’m working on it. The next few months were pretty hard. I was slow to come back. We talked about DEATH a lot in our home, having very curious children and all. We prayed every day for strength. The kids, oh bless their little tender hearts… they prayed for a baby. ME, I prayed NOT to get pregnant if ever again! I was so terrified of the chances. I had to rebuild myself slow and steady. I was shaken and so was my faith. I’m still working on it, but I find myself going through terrible anxiety and at times depression. I wish there was an easier fix, but there’s not. Here’s what I learned, life can SUCK big time. It doesn’t discriminate, or go away if you are a good person, pray a lot or do your best. LIFE will and can SUCK. BUT WAIT… It’s not all bad. It’s part of the greater purpose. We have a God in heaven that sees us and knows us. He puts people in our pathways to help us along the way.  Everyone has struggles and NO you don’t always see their struggles. This is my purpose for sharing my story. I didn’t hide behind all my pain and act like all was peachy because I wanted to be fake. I hid from my own pain and from sharing it with the world. I was always “fine”. Fine now has a new meaning to me. SO don’t ever tell me that you are “fine” or I might harass you!


Are you wondering if this story ever ends? I promise it’ll be worth it. So let’s fast forward down the road a few months. Well, we finished our foster parenting courses and graduated. It was so liberating and therapeutic for us. We really grew as a couple, and let me tell you I couldn’t love my husband more than these moments where we grew together. We also purchased our first home together. We moved, changed schools and the whole shebang! While all these things were happy things added to our lives, I found myself pondering a few months after moving and wondering why I didn’t feel happiness yet.  Truth is, you really can’t buy happiness. While I was happy with our new home, I still felt empty inside. It’s now been 5 months since we lost our angel baby, in a few weeks that sweet baby would have been joining our world here. As it comes to a head, I have started to feel more sadness. Luckily, it’s been a positive motivation to get my feelings out and finish this story!

Some things we are doing to stay positive are, prepping our home to welcome a foster baby! We’ve been preparing the nursery for baby and it’s been a really positive thing for our family. We also like to pick one service project a week, we can do as a family. It’s been really great for the kids, especially coming up with ideas. I was once given the advice that when you are struggling in life, serve others and you will lose yourself in the service. I can testify it is true and I tend to always fall back on it.


This month (August) Justin & I celebrated 10 years of marriage. No we didn’t fly off to Hawaii or somewhere seaside. In fact we live by the beach, so we pretty much live in paradise. Instead, we realized how bless we are that we have two healthy children and we were able to purchase a home, after many years of trying! So that’s something to celebrate. The one thing I did ask for was… photos. Family photos of course. I wanted a photo captured, to honor all of our babies we lost in the past two years. This has been the greatest gift & I will love it forever. I can honestly say, I am grateful for all of these experiences we had. I feel so humbled by them & I know much worse goes on in the world. If this is the pain I was meant to endure, then I will take it. I’m grateful for every single contraction I felt, the pain my body had to endure, the blood that left my body & the emptiness I felt because it reminds me that our baby was real. I carried that sweet baby, and I knew him. I felt him kick, I talked to him, his siblings talked to him and every single day that I was pregnant and nauseous was all worth it.

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In TEN years of marriage we moved 8 times, brought our first pup home, welcomed two beautiful children to the world, lost 7 angel babies, became foster parents, purchased our first home, bought a vintage 1950’s truck, Justin & I together lost a combined total of 90 pounds, climbed the work force ladder to the top, became a successful photographer and fell in LOVE more than I knew was possible!

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