This thing called infertility…

SO theres this thing called infertility. Have you heard of it!? welllll…. it SUCKS!

Over the last year Justin & I have spent countless hours & money (mostly not covered by insurance!) looking into what the cause of our infertility is. We found a great Doctor who specializes in infertility (I can leave his info here for those interested). You’ll know more about this if you’ve read my past blog posts. Anyway, a lot of friends and family have asked about it and have wanted to know if we have any answers yet. The short answer is YES! The long answer is I will explain it in further detail, to those who are interested in hearing.  I know there are a lot of couples out there who are currently experiencing our same pain… so I hope this helps you!

We have done what FEELS like every test in the books, blood tests for both of us, ultrasounds over and over and over again, doctors appointments on regular basis, a test called Fluoro HSG (I’ll talk more about that later) and etc. It’s almost so overwhlming that its hard to remember all of it! Basically, the Doctor has you do everything under the sun to get to the root of the problem. This man is brilliant! His brain works faster then he can speak.

We started with the Fluoro HSG…which stands for Hysterosalpingogram. Here’s what it means:

A hysterosalpingogram (HSG) is a procedure that uses an X-ray to look at your fallopian tubes and uterus. It usually takes less than 5 minutes and you can go home the same day.

I was incredibly nervous over this test! I heard & read so many conflicting comments about it and the majority were saying it was painful. So I just assumed I would be in terrible pain… and that’s never fun! The test day came and I can honestly say it was nothing! They inject dye into your cervix and then they are able to get the X-ray. The dye will show if your Fallopian tubes are blocking the sperm. I felt no pain and hardly any discomfort. It wasn’t anything more then your annual pap (you know what I’m talking about ladies). However, this picture tells a different story. I had the nurse snap this of me right before and I laugh now because my face is saying “I’M SO NERVOUS! AM I GOING TO MAKE IT!?” Ha! Sorry self…but you are fine. Just fine 🙂

and then theres this selfie (ugh, did I just use that word. ha!) in the bathroom right before. I often look confused and scared….that’s because I am! I survived and the test was easy peasy.

                                    Oh yeah… and I almost had to pay ALL of this! Thankfully… a huge blessing was given to us and we only owed a copay of $35!

I got my test results back and everything came back good. My tubes were healthy and good to go. They did find a few cysts on my ovaries though. It’s pretty common and not usually an issue. However, with me it caused fertility treatments to be pushed out. Did I say fertility treatments? Yeah, I guess I should explain that in a minute! So I started going into the Doctors to have an ultrasound quite often all for them to send me home saying, “Go ahead and try on your own”… yeah because that has worked so freaking well the past 4 YEARS! Ugh! what gives!? Photo Below: Tracking my ovulation and finally getting a smiley face saying my body was ovulating was exciting! Although it didn’t work 😦 basically I wanted to start fertility treatments but every time I could get started I had a dang Cyst on my ovary. And if you don’t know taking any fertility medication (in my case Clomid) won’t do a darn thing! Here’s just a few ultrasound days below… me praying I’ll have a body ready for my rainbow baby! The last one… yeah that was an exciting day! Also, note sweet baby E is with me. Our foster babe. That day I found out that my body was ready to begin YAY! Also, I very much confused the office staff and doctors due to walking in with a newborn asking them to help me get pregnant!? whaaatt….lots of questions and I enjoyed it all… confusing people… I like that. Ha!

I was ready to go! I got educated on all my medication, they made me a calendar of when to take my medicine, give myself my shots, and yada yada. I couldn’t be MORE EXCITED in this moment! It felt so REAL! Something we had been waiting and waiting for! I was nervous but I knew I had to give this a try. For me. For my husband. For my Family. SO I did IT! and I did it with everything I had. There were daily supplements, clomid (the fertility medication I mentioned earlier), a daily shot which I gave to myself nightly. It was scary the first time, poking a big needle into my stomach and injecting medication. Which I had to mix myself, and put it in the syringe! SO basically I’m a legit nurse now! every single shot was worth it all and I would do it all over again. AND I took progesterone nightly. Fun stuff! Then we had to do timed intercourse. Can you think of anything less romantic!? Ugh, man if only you knew our current life then. We had three kiddos at the time. Layla 7, Hunter 5 and little newborn baby E. Who was a couple of months old, recovering from a serious utero drug withdrawal. We were also administering medication to her twice a day. I can tell you that whole story another day! There wasn’t a lot of sleep for us, nor our own time or space or even our own room. We had a newborn! People might ask then why try on your own? Well we loved her but knew she would be leaving. And why not try on your own? fast forward, a few weeks later and I just had this feeling that there was NO way in hell I was going to be pregnant. I kind of just put my feelings on the back burner and didn’t focus on something that was nothing. You know? Now It was Easter Sunday and I got the most out of the blue call from a social worker working for child protective services. The woman on the phone was asking if we could welcome a little boy into our home TODAY… like right now! A little background, this sweet boy named T he had been in our home the year before for a short period and it turned out he was back in foster care. We wouldn’t have said yes to anyone but him at the time! We were pretty overwhelmed with all we already had but we knew this was for sure meant to BE!

Here we are 4 KIDS later….4! WHOA… that happened quick! This photo was my gift for Mothers day (2018)

PC: Emily Grace Photography

That first week we had T I also found out I was PREGNANT!!! In this photo above I was actually a mama to 5 including baby in my tummy. It was both scary and an amazing feeling at the same time! That morning I took the test, I felt funny for even taking it since I pretty much knew I wasn’t pregnant. BUT when I saw two positive lines (you can’t see very well in the photo but they are definitely there!) I was literally shocked & every emotion came over me. I felt gratitude, my faith was restored and I felt like this could really work. I could really have a baby! I called Justin immediately at work and told him the news. After what we’ve been through (loosing 7 babes) there is no need for a glamorous production of “Guess what… I’m pregnant!” and no offense to those who celebrate it. For us its plain scary! I cried joyful tears and we praised God for his gift he sent us. Then I had my blood work done to check my HCG levels. Well it was extremely low. and on April 11th 2018 I lost that sweet sweet little miracle. It was like the most precious and sacred gift you had ever been given and ALL gone in a moments notice. I knew for 11 days that my body had created a baby inside. I wasn’t really surprised but my whole body still felt numb. I remember being at my Doctors office with T who has having major behavioral problems due to his trauma and he wouldn’t behave for just a moment while the Doctor was talking. My doctor was telling me that I had lost the baby… and that I could try again next month etc etc. Only all I could feel was, Why did I add another little life to my LIFE in this case T…. making life more complicated. I was irritated, hurt and down right sad. I sat there in the office with a toddler in tow and a newborn and two more kids to pick up from school. I felt crappy and I didn’t understand. At the time my foster kiddos felt like a big burden, and I was wrong to feel that way they were actually a huge BLESSING. God knew we would get this miracle baby and loose that baby, God knew we needed T back in our lives, God knew I needed to snuggle a newborn, God knew I needed to smell that fresh scent a baby has. Only I didn’t know all those things. I felt incredibly wighted down. Here’s the greatest blessing though.. there wasn’t time to mourn, talk, be sad, rest I had 4 kids to care for. Kids to get to school, a newborn to feed while I made breakfast for the rest of the kids, bath time and bed time, and homework, and keeping a 2 year old toddler busy. There wasn’t time to crawl into a dark hole of evil while I hated myself for this pain I felt. There just wasn’t. It’s not that I didn’t ask for help, I did but this time I was just Stronger. I had one half day of rest on my worst day. When I miscarry my body looses an abnormal amount of blood. It causes my legs to shake, my body to be weak and a loss of appetite. I didn’t push my husband away either, I let him right in. This was his pain too. A loss to both of us. This was number 8 for us.

and then there’s this! Who’s with me on this one!? Like why would I alert the world that life has handed me crap!?

We got through it and we are actually okay. We don’t know yet if we will do another round of fertility treatment of the same kind or research another avenue. It’s a lot to process and be okay with. We did find out what the cause of our infertility is. Our Doctor discovered through all the testing that I have whats called:

Premature Ovarian Failure 

Heres the description from google:

What is primary ovarian insufficiency (POI)?

“Primary ovarian insufficiency (POI), also known as premature ovarian failure, happens when a woman’s ovaries stop working normally before she is 40.

Many women naturally experience reduced fertility when they are about 40 years old. They may start getting irregular menstrual periods as they transition to menopause. For women with POI, irregular periods and reduced fertility start before the age of 40. Sometimes it can start as early as the teenage years.

POI is different from premature menopause. With premature menopause, your periods stop before age 40. You can no longer get pregnant. The cause can be natural or it can be a disease, surgery, chemotherapy, or radiation. With POI, some women still have occasional periods. They may even get pregnant. In most cases of POI, the cause is unknown.”

Basically my body only produces the amount of eggs a woman in her 40’s would. Which is about 4 a cycle! AND I’m 30 so this is a major bummer. I found this out when I was 29. IT felt surreal. At my age I should be producing hundreds (LIKE 36 THOUSAND EGGS!) of good quality eggs (sounds weird when I word it that way!)

woman are born will approximately 2 MILLION eggs in their body! You don’t make new eggs, you only lose them as you age. My Doctor told me that my body makes bad eggs. When my body detects that “bag egg” it lets go of it. For example in my doctors words, My body could be making a baby with Down syndrome, spina bifida and other major heath problems. When I heard this I was angry and mad that my “bad egg” was taken from me. I almost longed for whatever those babies were and meant to be. It didn’t seem fair. For me getting about 4 eggs a cycle and 3 out of 4 being “bad eggs” doesn’t seem like a good chance for me. After going through all the fertility treatments and still not keeping the baby due to a “bad egg” doesn’t seem like we have a healthy shot at our rainbow baby. I wish I had more answers or more knowledge or a way to help someone struggling as well but for now all I have is my experiences to share. If you are personally struggling with this just know you are loved and it isn’t meant to be easy. I literally have such thick skin now, yet my heart could burst at any moment. I wouldn’t go back in time and change what we have done or been through. It has and will be worth it all, every penny, every shot, every tear, my blood, his blood, the heartbreak and challenges because I’m the kind of person who wants to make sure I really tried. I want to know that  I fought and didn’t give up, that I educated myself and became familiar with something scary. I want to be the kind of mom who loves hard, but also demands respect and isn’t afraid to set her kids straight in public or at home. I want my kids to look back someday and read our story, their story, the story they never really knew the details about. I want them to know Mommy was strong and Daddy never left my side.

Don’t ever second guess yourself. Not even for a minute. You can be your own worst enemy.